Empathy: You’re Only Half Way There

Full disclosure:  1.  I don’t like having my emotions manipulated.  2.  I may try to manipulate your emotions…OK, maybe manipulate is a strong word.  But I want you to try to feel something.

There’s a pack of feral children that live in the same house that I do.  We try to coexist peacefully and sometimes homeostasis occurs and we all get along.  More often than not though exists a cacophony of conflicting agendas, opinions, and emotions.  See, the thing about kids is that they can be kind of selfish.  Get me a drink, get me some food, put on a movie, etc…(right now Mrs. JJ is probably scratching her head wondering if I’m describing myself or the kids)  It’s not uncommon for my kids to go into a somewhat self destructive mode where they become mostly unaware of the world and the people around them.  This “mode” that they fall into is usually accompanied by some pretty erratic (childlike) behavior and often the only way they can snap out of it is to crash (either literally or metaphorically).  The crash usually jolts them back into the present and brings a little greater awareness of their connection to the world around them.  I had a version of one of those jolting experiences last week.  I’ll tell you about it in a minute.

Hopefully by now you’ve read LP’s previous post about only making it halfway there in your listening.  It’s super good, like for reals, if you haven’t read it yet, click that blue link above and check it out. He lays out this example of how we sometimes settle for only making it partway towards a deeper form of listening (AND he used a Shawshank Redemption example so you know it’s good).  He gave a strong argument for how we listen to music.  It’s a great explanation of the challenge of not becoming too content with our present position and continuing to move forward towards a better place than we were.  I think it’s super applicable to a lot of different areas including the area of empathy.  In fact I created this sweet graphic to illustrate:

If you follow the graph you can see some pretty great things in the escape column accompanied by their expanded version in the quest column that occurs after your escape.  As you hopefully notice, the big difference between the two positions is how we interact with others.  We talk a lot about empathy and how it’s an important thing for us to seek after.  We also talk about how we can use listening and even music to try to develop greater empathy.  I worry sometimes that many of us (myself included) get caught in a kind of fake version of empathy that isn’t really a full application of the principle.  It’s tough to catch because it looks really…well, kind.  I think kindness actually typifies the halfway version of empathy.  It involves awareness of emotion in others coupled with an outward expression of kindness.  And while that kindness seems like a pretty great thing it’s missing the emotional connection of actual empathy.  So can kindness really exist without empathy?  I think it can.  Kindness can be really mechanical in nature if you let it.  It’s an outward behavior but it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s been an emotional connection or experience.  I’m probably guilty of it frequently.  If I can recognize the emotion in someone else and offer a kind response then I feel like I’ve done my part and have somehow empathized.  But if you remember, empathy involves stepping into another person’s shoes.  It involves actually feeling to some degree what the other person is feeling.  And that’s where it gets tough for a number of reasons.  First it takes a lot of effort (and I’m a bit lazy by nature), and second it requires a great deal of vulnerability.  It’s terrifying because it means we might feel a high level of discomfort.  Worse than that, when we feel what someone else is feeling we might suddenly feel a greater responsibility to take an active part in trying to ensure the welfare of those around us.

I mentioned earlier that I had one of those moments that jolted me last week.  It really did shake me.  I cried real tears (first time in probably a decade) – and it served as a stark reminder of the importance of feeling.  It was a news clip from some of the unrest happening in the world today that makes no damn sense no matter how you look at it.  I’ll share it with you.  I’ll also warn you.  It may be emotionally distressing for some of you.  I do hope you’ll consider watching it though.

Here’s the clip.

It’s still difficult for me to watch.  Not because of what I see but because of what I feel.  I see my own children.  I see the kids that I work with, and the kids that I coach.  I see the parents.  It makes me want to say enough is enough.  It makes me want to scream.  And most importantly it rekindles in me a desire to improve my own listening and my own empathy and in some way try to put something out into this crazy world that might help make it a little better for others.  Maybe even create a little hope amidst despair.

So how does listening apply to all this?  Check out this clip on the power of “Compassionate Listening” from an expert on the subjects of listening and empathy.  His name is Thich Nhat Hanh and he’s a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk and Peace Advocate.

I want to listen compassionately to Omran (the boy in the news clip) and his family.  I’m committing now that I’ll listen deeply to you as well.  And maybe if we all could commit to listen a little deeper, with a little more compassion, and empathize a little more, we could make a dent in this mess that’s around us and bring some civility to it.

We like to have fun here at The Listen Initiative but we also believe deeply that listening to music can bring hope, increase our capacity for empathy, and can help us ultimately become better listeners to one another.  Thanks for joining us in our quest.

In the meantime enjoy another Shawshank clip.  This one comes after Andy gets in trouble for playing an opera record over the the PA system across the prison facility.  He used the power of music (and listening) as a personal source of hope to help him survive the circumstance he was in.

Now please enjoy your music, whatever your circumstance!  Whether you’re using it as simple background noise or as a therapeutic device to help cope with life’s challenges.  Love it, enjoy it, just please don’t stop listening!  Because you never know, one day someone might really need you to just listen to them and you’ll want to be up to the task.  And you will be.

Cheers,

JJ – The Listen Initiative